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Life, Love, Happiness.....Despair, Fear, Hatred

Jul. 16th, 2005 08:15 pm the way it is...

I've wanted to say so much since i last updated, but for some reason i just can't get it out. Not just on livejournal, but at all...it doesn't feel like there's anyone in my life right now that i can talk to about certain things, and I don't mean that to be self-pity in any way, cuz its my own fault. I may have pushed people away a little bit recently. And i don't think i was wrong in doing so. It's allwed me to grow up a lot and realize some things about myself. But it also has resulted in me keeping even more things bottled up inside than i used to, and thats not so good. Things, in an overall sense, have been pretty good. Lately I have felt actually happy for the first time in a while. There was a brief period of time where everything was amazing. almost, dare i say, perfect. they were by no means ACTUALLY perfect, but it sure felt that way. Since those days i've reverted back to my self-destructive overanalysis of everything and realized that in all actuality things are pretty much the same as they've always been. For the better and worse. So here i sit, wanting so much to reach out for a helping hand but fearing the same things i have always feared. Unfounded or not there are certain things that i just don't do because i am just too afraid. I've broken this trend a few times and all its gotten me is trouble. I think i've finally determined that the only thing i really have to fear is myself. I am afarid of my own emotions and feelings and such, but knowing that hasn't stoped me from feeling it. Oh well, i know eventually things are going to have to change and i'm truly afraid of what might happen when they do, but at the same time change could bring me the things i've wanted for so long. Guess i'll have to wait and see.

On a positive note...glass half full shit if you will...i like my new job, its kinda a drag to have a 9-5...prevents last minute trips to san diego or any other place i was hoping to go this summer...however, i do get to go to the lake still! And i've got a new place, i'm livin in a nice apartment, its kinda small, and lonely, but hey, you ppl could help the lonely factor! But anyways...don't look for too many updates, i still haven't quite gotten to the point where i can completly and comfortably put my feelings into words, but this was a decent attepmt...

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May. 25th, 2005 01:58 am

I've felt like I have absolutly nothing to write about lately. I've stoped writing in my journal, i've stoped typing anything, i've basically lost all sense of creativity. My movie that i had to write for my class sat, for a few weeks, desperatly awaiting an ending that never came. I turned it in without any true sense of completion, or closure, at least in my mind. I made one up but it wasn't what i wanted. The closure finally came to me, my story was ended, and now i don't have anything to say.

On a different, but similar, note, the quality of my writing was once again called into question. On my final paper for my television class my teacher said that my points were great but that they deserved better writing and that improving my writing ability would be "a good investment". I don't know why this bothers me, i think i'm a decent writer, but it really does get to me when people don't respect my writing style, especially when they are the people giving me my grades. At the same time, i did get an A in the class so i don't really have much room to complain, but I still don't like being told i'm not a good writer! Grr...

Thats all i've got...

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May. 17th, 2005 12:51 am

Wouldn't it be nice to just know something, ANYTHING, for an absolute fact?
At this point in my life I feel like it's impossible to be absolutly sure about anything.
I keep hoping that one day things will just fall into place.
That I'll know what to expect tomorrow, or even five minutes from now.
But I know that's impossible, nobody knows what tomorrow might bring.
But I guess I'd just like to have at least one certainty,
One constant, one thing or one person that I can depend on.

I hit break down point number 5 or so, (but since the semester is over does counting start over?) last night. I just feel like I don't have anyone that I can talk to about certain things, and that really sucks. And I hate how up and down I feel these days. Last night was horrible, this afternoon was great, tonight...now i'm just confused. I feel like an asshole in some respects, and I feel like i'm being strung along in others...I don't know which emotions are right, and which are me imagining things, or over-analyzing things, which is not at all beyond me! Guess only time will tell...

Current Music: Garden State Soundtrack

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May. 7th, 2005 11:40 pm

so i had something to say, typed it, felt bad about saying it, then deleted it...how's that for ambiguity...fuck it

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Apr. 15th, 2005 11:47 pm

I've never been one to feel utterly helpless. I've always felt like there was a way out or a way i could control most situations i've found myself in. But today i realized that there's a situation in my life that i have absolutly no control over. It involves the first person i've ever been totally 100% honest with and it resulted in me losing all control. I found myself sitting there thinking, 'well what if i did this...' and i realized anything i wanted to do I had tried and I knew what the result would be...so i decided there's nothing left to do. Its a really disheartening feeling to know there isn't ANYTHING i can do...but i think its important that i realize that otherwise i'm just gonna end up screwint things up even more. I think i just need to be a little bit more mature about the situation and realize that she doesn't owe me anything and that i shouldn't come to expect that things will go a certain way, cuz it doesn't work that way!

Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: Bearnaked Ladies

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Apr. 10th, 2005 01:51 pm sad but true....

You are a sock.

You are a cozy, fuzzy, warm-hearted person. A lot of your friends describe you as a hopeless romantic. You fall for the opposite sex very easily. But be careful, because usually you don't know what you are getting into, and because you are very sensitive, you can get hurt... especially in early relationships. Also, don't exclude the cold-hearted from your "want-list", because they just might be looking for a kind person to warm up their heart.... or a sock to warm up their feet.

Most compatible with: Toilet Paper.

Click here -- What Random Object Represents Your Inner Self?

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Apr. 3rd, 2005 08:45 pm

So we're pretty much at breaking point number 3 of the semester for me. These are the points at which i feel like giving up on just about everying. Its really sad though because I know how pesimistic I feel at this moment and I have a pretty easy life. I was at the relay for life last night and I saw several cancer survivors, some of whom were little kids, just out there smiling and being soo proud and optimistic about everything, and it makes me feel just that much worse about myself. How can I sit here and complain about being stressed and about how nothing can go right with my life while these people out there are fighting this disease with smiles on their faces?

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Mar. 13th, 2005 11:29 pm who brings a gun to a knife fight

Ok, so this jack johnson cd is my new favorite!

Anyways, i'm sittin here, its spring break, and i haven't done anything since friday night. Side note, friday was a blast, even the cops coming was quite the experience...but anyways, back to the present...i'm bored out of my mind and have absolutly nothing to do until friday! So if anyone is in tucson and has something to do, please let me know!! i'm desperate!!

Onward and upward, I've decided to sit back and wait...i'll wait for as long as it takes until everything feels right...i don't mind waiting, i'm not in a big hurry...i think i'm finally in a place where i'm comfortable enough to just relax and let things come to me. I'm not just talking about relationship aspects, although thats where the realization was focused. This is also my new writing philosophy. I have to write a ten page paper this break, as well as a 25 page treatment for my film, and i'm not gonna force them. I'm not gonna wait till the last minute and force myself to fill a page. I'm gonna sit here for one hour every morning and one hour every night and write...not write my paper or treatment per se, but just write what comes to mind. My focus will be on getting those two things done but not just to finish them, but to finsh them well. I haven't written a paper I was truly proud of for some time now...maybe this is my chance!

So, as part of my new mindset, i want to apologize to any of you out there that read this that i may have pissed of or upset in any way over the last couple months...

Hope everyone has a great spring break!

Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: Jack Johnson--Drink the Water

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Feb. 21st, 2005 10:07 pm

Fuck that optimism shit...people suck, i'm an asshole, nothing is going that well, school sucks, i suck at school...to put it simply, today was not a good day and the more i look at it, this weekend wasn't that great either...

Current Mood: pissed offpissed off

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Feb. 20th, 2005 10:36 pm (mostly) Happy Post

This weekend was, for the most part, GREAT! Started it off with pledge lock-in for APO...lots of fun, great people, the "hug game"...basically good, mostly clean, fun! Next was a fabulous party at Sonali's house for Ella's b-day...met some cool people and ahd a lot of fun hangin out with all those peeps...it was a rather interesting night for many reasons! First of which being talking to a cop while drunk, the rest being somewhat less scary! It was a "typical" frank drinking night, good and bad...Saturday sucked cuz it rained, but i did get to see Million Dollar Baby...great movie! And went to an incredibly disapointing hockey game! Sunday was productive, but i did lose a roll of film sometime saturday night that made my sunday less fun!

All in all, it was great...

Lately i've felt a lot more like a "typical" college student...i think thats been good and bad but it has put me in some interesting situations...I don't really know where to go from here...I've never been in the situation where I had to start from scratch with someone...there's always kinda been a starting block, some kind of in that i had...but in this case I don't have that...I have to go in blind, i have to try and figure out what's next all on my own....unless there's someone out there that knows somethin i don't! :-)

Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: sportscenter

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